Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Excess luggage

Last week I went out of town for an overnight stay so I had to pack an overnight bag which ended up being a suitcase........women I know. My 'dad' thought it was insane how much stuff I carried whenever we went away from home but thats just me. I am always the last to be checked in at an airport because I have to pay for excess luggage. There is always a trailer attached to the car to carry my extra bags.

The thing is I am always at a loss of what to pack and what to leave. Not that I am concious about what I wear but I dont like ending up to need something and I have not got it, I just get frustrated. At work they have a joke about my handbag cos you could fit a football easily in it and when we run out of supplies,they always joke that you can find some in my bag. I call it being prepared for any situation. Thats what they have been grooming me in university for. You dont turn up unprepared, you research and find all flaws and strong points, you dont ask questions you dont already know the answers to. If all that fails you resort to putting on a great performance and that I can easily do.

Anyway where am I going with this luggage thing? I attend a graduation ceremony and bump into some guy from Primary school....what are the odds small world eh. It takes a while for me to register his face but he has no problem in figuring out who I am. We chat and he starts laughing about something that happened what seems like a world away. He reminds me that when we left school I wasnt speaking to him and the story came flooding back to mind

He had teased me about not being good enough about something and the reason was that I was a girl. In my mind at that time, that was a great insult that I could not let it go. After a great telling off that left his ears ringing, I never spoke to him again.

My mum always says that were it not for God, I wouldnt forgive.......I agree to disagree. Along the way there are people I have branded morons and though I have professed to have forgiven, I dont forget I can hold a grudge for ages without wavering. My excuse is that I dont forget, I have a mind that remembers the first poem I ever did in school, the lines to plays I have taken part in, how can I forget?

It becomes worse when I do something that is completely out of character, I am my worst enemy, I beat myself up over and over again there is no end to it. Does that weigh me down oh yes and there is a hefty price for this excess luggage.

It buffles my that God in all His wisdon is patient with the likes of me, waiting at the end for me to run into His arms. What kind of love is this? How could He know me so well yet love me the same? I am overwhelmed

So I am learning to fly light
Each day I am letting go
Dreams shattered
Wounds not healed
Promises broken
They cant hold me back
With arms open wide
I am embracing whats new
My excess luggage
I leave it with with Jesus


Maua said...

Buggages, mhhh

You think you've forgiven and forgotten, you keep off the person for ages, and the minute you see them, it's either a big hello, and catching up on the lost 'ages', in which case the forgiving and forgetting has taken place, or the same feeling comes back, and you know you haven't forgiven or forgotten.

But the weight is too much, and not worth at all.

joyunspeakable said...

Indeed, well put...sometimes our lives don't move at all...i refuse to get friendly cos i dont wanna hurt again, i dont wanna marry cos that gal or boy hurt me big time...

how many times i hold on to my baggage in the pretext of protecting myself....many times. indeed i hold on to once beaten twice shy....or better be sure than be sorry...my life is a set of rules of donts and do's given my historical relationships.....7 times 70 people have hurt me.....and they all left me better warned not to deal with such....now i call that buggage.....Jesus is the vehicle carrying me....and am still not comfortable putting the excess in the boot/trunk if you like....am seated as a passanger. i am even blocking the rear view for my Lord, cos the back seat is full of me and the excess.........

Anonymous said...

it really is a small world...i would love to meet someone from my primo days...
**u got tagged!!!